Don’t forget to read Part One & Two

XXIII

How to feel beautiful without feeling hungry:

 

I don’t know

 

 

XXIIII   My Favourite Monster

The truth of how I feel

Asks to be set free

Acknowledged and recognised

But I am afraid

For the contents of my heart

Or more accurately my belly

Threaten to be the very

Death of me

 

Feeling the fat

Pinching my body

Staring at the mirror in distress

 

When did I become so unacceptably large?

How did I allow this to happen?

Everything I wear looks ridiculous

Even my hair has got the sickness

Cos when it strikes

It permeates every part of me

 

 

XXV   Out of reach

But will I feel this way tomorrow?

When my energy is my own

Ready to be shared

Willing to be shown

No more suffering in this surreal version of a home

Where I am completely invisible

 

I walk like a ghost

My troubles brushed under the carpet

Along with yesterday

I didn’t really think it should be so hard to say

Are you okay?

 

What do you think…

I’m on the brink

Falling, sinking

Back into the place I just climbed from

 

There is a rope

Just out of reach

There is hope

Just out of reach

How will I cope

So many days more

Of being ignored

 

Invisible I am

Invisible I stand

As the sun sets they fade away

But their disappointment stays

 

Until the other part of me lights the candle

Reminds me what I have handled 

And that of course

I can do it again

 

Same shit, different day

Belly swollen, spirit fades

But the part of me that knows the way

Grows stronger every time

 

 

XXX   The Sun

I formed a protective bubble

To keep my whole self safe

It was not my decision

To fill it with self hate

 

You’ve got inside my head now

And i’m planning my escape

But everything is harder when you’re there

 

I know i’ll break free from your clutches

When the fruit of time is ripe

But meanwhile i will struggle

To brighten these days of night

Every part of my being

Is tempting me to take flight

But i must stay focused to become aware

 

Today i changed my t-shirt

A step in the right direction

Tomorrow i’ll try to smile

Instead of glare at my reflection

I’ll try to find my heart

And send her some love and affection

 

I am shifting from disorder to self care

 

My belly no longer stands

For the abuse that she receives

I feel the earth’s support

Pass to my pelvis through my knees

I am not just a body

For plain injustice to deceive

 

You can follow me to freedom,

                                       If you dare

 

 

XXVII

Tell me what’s clouding my head

Should I move more

Do more

Talk more

See more

I’m not sure

 

But I know I can feel better

 

It’s like something’s missing

My head thinks it’s love

My heart thinks it’s God

But I myself don’t know

 

Am I still just waiting?

And for what?

The moment never comes

Smaller and smaller I grow

Falling and falling down the hole

You’ve already taken it all

I set it all free

But without it i’m empty

Do I get nothing in its place?

 

I guess I neglected my inward journey

I was tired and numb

 from all of the learning

Perhaps I need to take it slowly

But follow it still

 

Find the balance in between

Understanding what life means

And living it within my means

 

Keep my head and body clean

Contemplate that which I’m seeing

Think about how I am being

The answers will come

 

XXVII    First Steps

I’m learning what I need to feel good

A calm, safe environment

Nutritious food

Honesty is policy

But don’t be rude

Careful

Cos your sharp wit can be misunderstood

 

The others go about their lives

And you go about yours

There will be many differences,

regulations and laws

But always stick to what you know

Cos that’s all you can do

Don’t stray from your own path too much

Cos you know what is true

 

I don’t know where the tension stuck inside is coming from

But I do know when my heart and body feel like something’s wrong

 

That something’s missing

Subconscious wishing

To be back in my home

I guess it’s true that after all

I like to be alone

 

 

XXVIII   Nothingness

I’m kind of just drifting through

Feeling like there’s something 

I should do

And it’s true

I want to

But i’m waiting for the opportunity 

To arise from you

 

Please send me the signal

Show me the right thing

Let me find my way now

In this game i know i’ll win

Collecting.

Not expecting

My vision needed correcting

But my heart still knows the way

Of that i’m sure

 

 

XXVIIII   Reunion

I’m coming to the end of another chapter

Living the small life now

So as not to distract her

From chasing those dreams

That we both can still see

Just drifting along the horizon 

 

I’m learning more slowly

With a little more patience

I’m no longer running

But my eyes do feel vacant

The energy’s shifting

My spirit is lifting

My soul looks for something to ride on

 

A vehicle, a purpose

A love without strings

Creations, stagnations

Yet one always wins

I’m looking for balance

Or something like that

Perhaps just an inkling

Of where my story begins

 

Because I’m sure I’m not ready

and now’s not enough

So less of the lessons

Don’t make it so rough

But send me some loving experience to enjoy

because living the negative life is too tough