I Home

I’m not sure I know how to feel beautiful

Without feeling hungry

 

It’s the emptiness in my belly

That fills me with false joy

And false love

And it empties my heart along with it

Now it’s emptying my soul too

As if there’s nothing left of me

Because none of it was real in the first place

 

I’m just trying to heal

And find my own space

But I think I don’t deserve to feel so good

 

I am punished for feeling happy

I am judged for feeling bad

So I’ve found a happy numbness in between

 

I’m hiding in the world of masks

And maybe I’ve taken this journey too fast

Cos I just looked back

And found myself alone

 

Alone in this place I try to call home

But nothing is real

And my truth is not known

My song is not heard

And my judgement is blurred

I’m surrounded by false impressions

As if life is so happy, everything’s fine

I’ll drink it all down with a bottle of wine

I’ll take on your problems as if they’re all mine

And your sins are my own confession

 

II The Pit

I’m hanging on by a thread

And so is my head

To my neck

Because it hurts from heavily hanging so low

 

None of it is real

I have never been okay

Only pretending

Cos that’s the easier way

 

Suffer the darkness alone

Put on a smile at home

Don’t you dare be sad because

That’s not what we do

You’re too sensitive

You think too much

Just put on a smile

And call their bluff

Cos that’s the easier way

 

Don’t give in and say

It hurts me

I don’t really think that they deserve me

But I’m not worthy

Of real love

So where can I go?

 

I couldn’t inflict this on somebody else

I can’t let them witness

This dip in my health

It’s too much of a burden

So don’t say a word and

keep acting like you are okay

 

Say what the monster tells you to say

Keep up the silence

Push them away

You’re better off lonely

If that’s all you know

Your cloud is too dark now to carry you so

Fall safely through

To solitude

And rest in the arms of the monster who hates you

Who shames and berates you

You taught her that yourself

At least she understands you

You invented the names that brand you

Maybe it’s too late to ask for help

 

III Hope

How can I possibly turn this around?

 

By looking at all of the love you have found

And sinking your feet right into the ground

And listening carefully

To that near distant sound

Of relief that is circling the clouds

 

I know you’ll come out, and until you do

I’ll be waiting

 

IIII

My eating habits are healthy when you look in from outside

But nobody sees the guilty tears

Come streaming from my eyes

How could anyone know my secret

When i didn’t even know it myself?

The pain that stayed invisible

Was the state of my mental health

 

How can I expect my belly to work

When all she knows is hate?

I just want to feel normal

When i eat what’s on my plate

I wish that i could breathe

And take it one bite at a time

I wish i could believe

That eating three meals is just fine

 

I seem to mask the starvation

As part of my routine

I seem to mask my habits when i say

“Im eating clean”

 

Honestly i do not know

How to defeat this inner monster

She only seems to go when she is told

That someone wants her

 

When someone says i’m sexy

That i really turn them on

I look inside with pride to tell my monster

But she’s gone

 

She only wants to come and play

When i’m vulnerable and alone

And i know that she is in the way

Of the voice that calls me home

 

The little light is growing there

But still I cannot see

How something so magnificent

Could live inside of me

 

IIII Never Ending Story

I can’t go outside and face them

But I feel guilty on such a nice day

It means I can’t eat either

I can’t pretend today

I want to do my yoga

But I feel completely drained

I feel so alone

I’d like to tidy my room

But I don’t have the energy for that either

 

I feel too emotionless to enjoy music

Like it’s lovely vibes would be wasted on me

I am drowning

In the swamp of sadness

 

V Shift

No. I’m not hiding anymore

I strip off my layers

Lay them gently on the floor

And stamp the shit out of them

 

Because so far you’ve taken

My whole life from me

Consumed with the power

Of who I’m to be

 

But guess what?

I’m already me

I just have to break free

From these limitations

And expectations

That nobody else can see

Just you watch me

 

You’ll have to find another friend

Perhaps someone who can pretend

Cos my energy is fully depleted

And I’m bringing this f-d up story to an end

 

I can’t rewrite history

And the future’s a mystery

But I can say I’m not going

To let you do this to me

For the rest of my life

 

No thank you

There’s more to me than you

 

IIII

Anxiety running wild

Beating away at my inner child

Telling me to hide, it’s not safe out there

Telling me stay silent

With this burden i bear

 

But wow, I am lonely

The isolation has me stuck

The walls are closing in on me

But it’s hard to give a f

 

I’m tired of all the crying

And all the self abuse

So can’t be just be friends now

Can’t we call a truce?

You’ve had your wicked way with me

For more than fifteen years

It’s taken all the strength I have

To wipe away those tears

 

You’ve made me hate the way i look

You’ve made me feel ashamed

You’re stealing all the stardust

That was made for my own name

 

I really want to fight you

But i really don’t know how

So pass me the key to my cage please

I’d like my freedom now

 

VI Love in the Darkest Places

I know I depended on you for so long

While I couldn’t distinguish

Between right and wrong

So you made the decisions

With calculated precision

Controlling every aspect of my life

 

But now I’m awake

And it’s time to move on

I know you can’t suffer to hear my own song

But i’ve seen through your illusion

And i’ve come to the conclusion

That it’s time to take lead in this fight

 

No more intense enquiring

Into the depths of my soul

Just relentlessly conspiring

With my parts that make me whole

I won’t fall for you again

Nor disrespectful men

Who think I am a fun toy to be played with

 

So thank you for the tears

That helped the stormy skies turn bright

And fuck you for the years

You left me crying through the night

Cos now that I can take my precious time

To do what’s right

I ask the fires of justice to ignite

 

This is what healing truly is

Sitting here

Feeling the truth of my tears

Cos what I release through my tiring eyes

Comes back to my heart

And it’s twice the size

 

If anyone told you it’s not good to cry

I’ll tell you right now that

That is a lie

They probably didn’t have the courage to try

The feeling of pure emotion

The feeling of true devotion

to caring for yourself and those you love

 

The tears may not come easily

But still they will not cease to be

The key for me

To opening my heart

Because honestly I didn’t know where to start

Until I started falling apart

But now I know

I can find love in the darkest places

 

VII Family Affairs

It’s difficult to recover

When you feel so alone

When everyone turns a blind eye

In your home

Cos all their emotions

Have turned into stone

And they cannot see past their own s

 

I’m drowning

In my own sensitivity

But my pain’s not visible

So that’s alright

I’ll keep up the fight

on my own

Keep turning away

So you never have to know

The problem that i face

 

To eat

Is to meet

Your eyes of aversion

And remember

I’m in this alone

 

So I guess I’ll go hungry again today

 

IIII

I’m sorry

But i don’t want to listen to you anymore

I’m getting out

And I’m closing the door

 

I wonder if i’ll miss you

My sweet addictive fear

Your darkness shouts too loud now

So let me make myself clear

I cannot stand your nonsense

I’m not fighting anymore

I shower you with compassion

And walk right out the door

 

VIII. Breakthrough

Starting again

My heart’s on the mend

It’s all so much better

When I talk to a friend

And it all feels much easier

Now I’m not trying to pretend

 

Feeling quite hopeful

That I really can get better

They heard my sorrows

I let it all out

I’m not hiding any more

 

Just focus on the things I need

Food, water, harmony

I’m feeling nourished by my peaceful mind

But wow, it’s taken so long to find

 

 

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