I have struggled with eating for most of my life, flicking between binge eating and restrictive disorders as a coping mechanism for undiagnosed autism and ADHD as well as a building lack of identification with my birth gender. I’m a chronic perfectionist and struggle when I am not the best at everything first try, so when school started to get harder in year 9, and self-harm stopped helping me manage my lack of control, I turned to anorexia for a solution. Looking back, this is one of the worst things I ever did, it happened gradually, skipping a snack turned to skipping a meal and suddenly in Easter of 2022 my parents noticed something was wrong. They made a referral to CAMHS, but nobody knew how unwell I really was, and no one would find out until October 2022. At the beginning of my “recovery” journey, I had a lot of anger, I was struggling with the meal plan and never truly started it, so when I continued to lose weight and the meal plan continued to increase I lost control, I was in a violent and explosive place, punching walls, crying at every meal time, and generally struggling to stay alive. This is when I was first put into contact with First Steps ED. The focus on my weight and not my mental wellbeing was destroying me and I needed someone to listen. I needed someone to hear me before my silence killed me. That’s when I met Zoe.  

Zoe was the first person I trusted in my recovery; I didn’t have any friends to turn to because the eating disorder had pushed them away. I waited about 6 weeks to have my first meeting with Zoe, as soon as I met her, it felt like there was someone in my corner. Having someone who had been through what I was going through and who was living such a beautiful life despite it was so inspiring, Zoe was the first person who listened to my belief in my neurodiversity, and I must admit I was not the easiest person to talk to. I didn’t trust anyone, but slowly Zoe allowed me to open up. She inspired me, we had so many things in common that it was more like talking to a friend than it was a professional, she didn’t care about the numbers or the figures, she listened to my feelings. First Steps was a huge part of my recovery.  

When I entered their service for the first time, I was in no way committed to recovery. I had been lying my way through appointments week after week with no intention of ever getting better, I thought the life I was living, the life of skinny “perfection” was the best one I could live. It had been so long since I had energy or motivation to do anything, that I forgot how it feels to want to live. I thought I was so content in this cold, empty existence when really, I was just numb and constantly tired. I needed someone to listen to me, I was desperate. First Steps filled a gap in my recovery that CAMHS couldn’t, it was like the missing piece in a complex 3D puzzle where every piece is the same shade of grey apart from the last one. Like a rock falling into a lake and sending hundreds of ripples through the water, First Steps gave me the path I needed in my recovery. I would have sessions with Zoe every two weeks, in which I could just talk, and she would listen. First Steps didn’t judge me based on the number on the scale like everyone else did. Their focus was changing my thoughts, and they did. Zoe would help me find coping strategies, coping strategies she could vouch for as someone who had been through what I was facing. I cannot express how much having someone with first-hand experience boosted not only my motivation to recover but also my ability to figure out how to.  

First Steps taught me about set point, something I still use today when I struggle with wanting to lose weight. They reminded me of why I needed to recover, reminded me of things I used to love and helped me use them as motivation to get better. They didn’t just sit me down and tell me I needed to get better because otherwise, I would die, they told me I should try and recover because life out of the eating disorder is so much better than it was in it. It took me very long to believe that, I admit I did have to go through their service twice before actually committing to recovery, but I truly believe that I couldn’t have recovered without them. First Steps gave me ways to recover and ways to maintain that. Without them, relapse would have been inevitable, if I’d even recovered in the first place. The bottom line is, First Steps kept me out of hospital, they gave me someone to talk to who wasn’t obsessed with numbers and someone who I could relate to, and that was the most pivotal thing in my recovery. 

It’s been over a year since I have accessed First Steps one to one service and over a year since I’ve started really recovering. Since being with First Steps I have been able to do so many things I never thought possible. When in the service, I made a list of things I wanted to achieve once I was recovered and I’m proud to say I have achieved all but one of those things. The last thing on the list is to be able to use my voice to help others in my situation, I aspire to be like the First Steps team, and I want to use my struggle to help others.  

I am back in full–time education and passed all of my GCSEs with a 7 or above without relapsing. One thing Zoe was most persistent about was not burning myself out. As an undiagnosed neurodivergent, I didn’t really know how to balance and regulate my stress. Without First Steps, my GCSES would have caused a major relapse, however, Zoe advocated for my access arrangements and gave me strategies I still use today for managing my stress levels. I am now in sixth form and predicted all A*s whilst balancing my mental health well. I know that if I ever need anything I can always email Zoe or the rest of the First Steps team and be met with compassion and empathy. They are the most caring and wonderful people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I fully believe they have a positive impact on everyone they speak to. I am currently advocating for a change in the CAMHS system and am part of an advisory board for a major reformation of the CAMHS eating disorder service. This is challenging for me as it includes other people who are actively recovering from an eating disorder and can be triggering, however by using mechanisms that Zoe taught me, I can remind myself that life now is a million times better than it used to be and I am good the way I am now.

Since starting my journey with First Steps I have found a love for mental health poetry, below are a couple of poems that Zoe encouraged me to write to highlight the change in mindset I had from starting First Steps to finishing.

Dear Anorexia pt. 1 was written after my first session with Zoe and Dear Anorexia pt. 2 just before my last. I want to use my poetry to introduce others to using creative writing as an outlet for internal battles. This year I have made proper friends for the first time ever, my partner being one of them. This year my partner was diagnosed with ARFID and the first place I pointed them was to First Steps, I contacted Zoe to ask for any tips on caring for someone with ARFID and was met with a no-questions-asked response with some really useful coping strategies for him. He’s doing very well now, and I would again put that down to First Steps. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of Zoe and the First Steps team and how much they helped me. I use their coping strategies every day, in every scenario, I am a product of their kind hearts and perseverance, and I am so thankful that I was able to access their service. They are the good this world needs and I’m not being dramatic when I say they saved my life. I wouldn’t be here without them, and I will never be able to thank them enough for helping me in my truly darkest time.

First Steps is a lifesaving and world-changing charity that I know I and many others have benefited greatly from, I hope that one day I can join their team or a team like theirs and make a real difference to people’s lives.