Guilt. Shame. Regret. Disgust. Weak. Fearful. Powerless.
Just a few of the thoughts that went through my head as I endured another uncontrollable binge last night.
My family were all in bed, leaving me alone with a kitchen full of temptations.
I’d had a stressful day at work, juggling more deadlines than anyone could possibly manage and being told a decision I made had caused a loss in funding at my company.
My confidence was shattered, I felt I had no worth and no-one in the house still awake to share my woes. Food was my only friend, a glimmer of light at a dark time and a comfort to me when I had no other.
The trouble is, it isn’t really my friend and it doesn’t make me feel good. Not for long anyway. The highs of filling the void are soon replaced by crushing feelings of embarrassment, weakness and unspeakable shame.
How could I have been so greedy? Why do I have no self-control? How can I stop this?
I feel trapped. I have nothing else to turn to when I get like this yet my vice does me more harm than good. It’s an impossible balancing act and total lose-lose situation.
I desperately want to stop but what then? How else will I cope with the stress and cushion the blow of my misery?
Last night wasn’t the first time, far from it. I often use food to cheer myself up. A sugary treat here and larger portion of dinner there. Adding extras to the shopping basket and sneaking them into a drawer before they can be seen.
Food brings me comfort and safety and is something to look forward to when all else fails. Surrounded by family in a cosy home, I feel so alone and powerless. If I told them, would they understand? Would they think I was greedy, weak and disgusting?
I don’t think I could handle the judgement. Honesty is too much of a risk.
It’s hard to say where this ends. I know I should speak to someone and get help but that means admitting it. Making it real. Outing myself.
They’ll probably try and make me stop, leaving me with nothing. I’m not sure I could bear that but this is no life either. An endless cycle that’s so unhealthy and causes such damage and turmoil.
I feel lost and sad sitting here alone with just my sinister thoughts for company. I want to take the pain away and the only way I know how is food.
And so the hopeless cycle continues…my dirty little secret.