If you had told Harsharan five years ago that she would go on to choose recovery, she wouldn’t have believed you. After years of struggle and choosing recovery, I am here to share my story today.

My story begins in 2020 during Covid, where during lockdown I became more conscious of my weight and how I looked. Everybody around me knew me as somebody who had never struggled with food, my body image or anything in relation to exercise and fitness, but little did I know this was all about to change in the next upcoming months. Eating disorders don’t discriminate, they can happen to anybody, therefore there are never any warning signs up to the lead up.

During lockdown, I began to get obsessive over my diet as well as use exercise in a negative way to try ‘gain control’ of my life. I didn’t see it at the time, but I would later realise that my eating disorder was a coping mechanism which I would use to try gain control of other aspects of my life. In many instances eating disorders will be used to manage other stressors in life, therefore feeling out of control can cause a lot of overwhelm and distress to those suffering. In my case within a couple months the numbers, routine and new lifestyle I had created had completely consumed me. I wasn’t the person I was a couple months ago; I didn’t recognise me anymore.

It felt great at first, I felt in control of my life and began receiving complements and praised for my discipline, but unfortunately this only pushed me to continue my damaging habits further. Commenting on other people weight and bodies isn’t always a good thing as you never know if the reason they have lost or gained weight is intentional. You never know how one comment can change somebodies’ life. It wasn’t until I had completely stopped socialising with friends, barely communicated with family and noticeably was not doing well anymore that questions on my health and mental wellbeing began to arise.

My family tried to communicate their concern with me multiple times but the voice in my head had completely consumed me. I couldn’t see all the damage I had done and was continued to do. I was only aware of the ‘progress’ I had made and was making and was not ready to afford losing it all by recovering. The truth is I didn’t even know what an eating disorder was until I recognised, I felt anxiety last minute change of plans which effected missing workouts and changing what I ate alongside many other factors. That’s when I began to realise, this life I was living wasn’t me living it was me surviving.

Growing up an only child has made me independent in many aspects of my life, and I followed through with this mindset at the idea of recovery. So, I began recovery through

doing extensive research on how eating disorders worked and trying to understand the psychology behind them. I was doing well physically however I quickly understood why eating disorders are recognised as a mental illness. Mentally I wasn’t making much progress. My eating disorder still had a hold over me; I still followed through all the rules I had made and eventually entered quasi recovery. My mum supported and dedicated her time to do her own research to seek out how she could support me through this difficult period. This was beneficial to me as I recognised how my eating disorder was affecting those around me too. you never realise how much damage is being done overall since you end up being so consumed by your own thoughts and take no notice of the surroundings.

Being an ambitious individual, I began to realise how much I wanted to achieve in the future. I panicked as I was slowly realising if I truly didn’t begin to fully recover, my eating disorder will forever have a hold on me, and I would have to comprise my dreams. This is mentally changed it for me; I didn’t want to look back and wishing had started recovery sooner or miss out on opportunities because I was too scared. After two years of quasi recovery and going back and forth on trying to recover and relapsing, I had enough. I broke down to my parents and finally realised I needed professional help. Although I thought I could do this on my own the truth was I needed further support. Asking for help when you are struggling isn’t a sign of failure, matter of fact it is a sign of strength.

My parents were proud and supportive of my decision to finally seek help and for the next year I worked with CAHMS, who would eventually transfer me over to First Steps ED charity who would support me in my recovery as well as completely transform my mindset. When I started recovery, I never regretted it, matter of fact I was relived to finally get my life back and let me be in control of my life and not my eating disorder. I started to socialise with my friends again, spend more time with my family and be able to make plans without being anxious and wondering how to compensate later. I truly got my life back. I went on to accomplish completing my A-Levels, passing my driving test and getting into university. All this wouldn’t have been possibly if I was never brave enough to make the decision to recover.

I am now in my third year at university, going onto graduate this summer and I truly thank myself every day for choosing recovery. The life I have been able to create and lived for these past years wouldn’t have been possible without acknowledging I needed help in the first place. I have gone onto meet some incredible people and been on holidays and achieved things both academically and socially due to getting rid of my eating disorder voice. Being able to make peace with food and exercise has allowed me to recognise how it is a gift to be able to move your body in a way that has nothing to do with looks and have been able to achieve food freedom. I believe the freedom you achieve from recovery is like getting a second chance at life; everything you try again is done so in a new light, and you begin to appreciate the little things in life.

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading my story and I hope it has inspired somebody to choose recovery and live a life you truly deserve. It may not be the easiest decision you make but I promise you it will be the best decision you make and one you won’t regret. You have so much to live for and you deserve to thrive not just continue to survive another day.