Don’t forget to read Part One

VIIII   The Path Less Travelled

I’m feeling pretty peaceful

Turning to contentment

From confusion and delusion

so many hard years spent

 

I want for nothing

Need for nothing, today

My inner voice isn’t getting in my way

But be vigilant

Anything can happen tomorrow

I’ll try to stay on track

My heart has got my back

We stay strong

To keep each other alive

So I have no doubt that i’ll survive

 

 

X   Vulnerability

I feel paper thin

Like a little paper doll

Like the change of wind

to another direction

Would knock me off my feet

 

So this is how it feels

To be vulnerable

I can see why I avoided it for so long

I can see why I thought it was wrong

But this is reality

And the rest a monstrous pile

Of flat out denial

Waiting patiently 

To come tumbling down

 

 XI   Mask

I’m still coming to terms

With what’s real and what’s not

Cos the deceit

Can sometimes be difficult to spot

If it’s hidden in my brain

For all those years

I fear

That everything I’ve created is based on a lie

 

Taking things back to when I was shy

Right now I’m that person

Except i don’t need to try

I’m starting to wish

I had never said goodbye

But then I wouldn’t be who I am now

 

 

XII   Plateau

This silence isn’t flat like before

Drifting along

Floating to shore

Feeling how I felt

When I found out there is more

To life than the struggles I’m living

 

My energy focused on taking care

Loving my body

Brushing my hair

Those things can seem simple

Unless you’re aware

Of the effect

The darkness can have

 

It’s not easy

Don’t let that get you down

You’re winning now

 

 

XIII   Lost Tortoise

Slow and steady wins the race

Taking things at my own pace

But with all this quiet time I face

There’s too much room to contemplate

 

It’s time to live my life again

But which step is to safety?

Which world will embrace me

Instead of hate me

And put me right back where I started

 

Which way am I meant to turn

I know there are always lessons to learn

But I need a break from that

 

XIIII   Whose reality?

Getting more confident every day

But the triggers have me turning away

From the very things 

That are helping

As if my strength is melting

The closer I get

 to this thing called reality

 

But it doesn’t seem real to me

I don’t really see

Where my sanity

Has a chance to survive

 

The resistance is so strong

But if the entire world is wrong

How did it stay turning for so long?

 

There’s a place in it for me

Somewhere

 

 

XV   Perseverance

With my nose in a book

I am safe

With my phone off the hook

I am safe

But the walls block out the light

And it’s impossible to see

The way out

 

One step at a time, I know

Go out there and have fun

Easier said than done

The temptation to run

Is too real

 

Running is all I ever knew

But the only way out is through

Hard to accept

But unfortunately true

 

 

XVI    Truth Hurts

So what still lurks in the dark?

The source

Of this never ending pain

In my neck

The work isn’t over yet

Be vigilant

 

Communicate how you feel

Remind the world what is real

Have them at your feet

As you hold your power high

 

There simply is no other way

Say what you need to say

It’s on the right side

You know you cannot hide

From this again

 

 

XVII Anger Flows Freely

Yes I’m angry

 

That it has always been more important than me

If you had to choose

Which would it be?

I’ve always felt alone

Like I’ve never had a home

Never a safe space

A safe place to call my own

 

Just your aggression

Why did you take it out on me?

An undeserving kid

My hopes and dreams were shattered

Even before I lifted the lid

 

Cos it was always about you

The trouble I put you through

Like I chose to be born

In the first place

 

Can’t stand the sight of your masked face

Come here darling

It’s alright

But it wasn’t

And nor is it now

 

I want to erase it but I don’t know how

Words spill from my heart

But they get stuck before my mouth

Power fills my chest

But then I choke and spit it out

What’s that about?

 

I know my truth so why can’t I speak it

My poor broken heart

She can’t take one more hit

Despite the reception

And false perception

That deceives you daily

 

Well I’ve been seeing you lately 

And the lie is running dry

 

 

XVIII

It hurts me that you still don’t care

Poor you

Your life is so unfair

But you brought it on yourself

Trying to blame everyone else

 

Maybe it’s time to face up to reality

Stop lying through your teeth

And your formalities

You’re a calamity

 

And we follow behind to pick up the pieces

 

 

XVIIII   Dangerous Expectations

I looked inside myself and no

I didn’t like what I saw

Deep down I knew

I couldn’t be that person anymore

 

That person who cares what people think

Who could not make the missing link

Between my personal experience

And the responsibility there entailed

 

Me me me, all about me

I want to live a good life

I just want to be free

I want to help everybody

I want to change the world

But only if it fits into the world i’m creating?

 

It hurt to see the selfishness

Behind my thoughtless action

A need for recognition

A lack of coalition

A purely misguided mission

 

My intentions were pure

Sure

But my actions still need more

 

I know

Self-care is essential

And my journey may yet be influential

If I allow myself to reach my potential

It certainly will not be easy

 

I’m not going to feel guilty

That emotion’s completely useless

The world can be a dark, dark place

It’s pain is simply ruthless

But I have an opportunity 

To change my ways

Readjust my goals

Realign my gaze

 

A permanent feature

Not just a phase

Step into the truth

And out of the haze

That life was a lie

I was trying to hide

From all of the shame and the blame

Stuck inside

But i cannot escape, ignore or deny

The feeling of being truly alive

 

How will I survive?

Will I fall? Will I thrive?

It doesn’t matter

Because nothing is flatter

Than trying to live up to your own expectations

 

Sacrifice and service

A force from within

Bring them together

If you want to win

 

 

XX

It’s good to finally not give a shit

Accepting my fate

Taking the hit

I was glad to reveal

What is fake and what’s real

But it’s a tiring process to be with

 

Defamation of the self

Trying to be something else

If you don’t like now

What you see

This is the chance

To take your leave

Cos this path goes forward

And doesn’t look back

At what I have now left behind

 

The lessons learnt

The bridges burnt

The wrong ways turned

I’m done now

 

Long serious nights

Long tedious flights

High as a kite

Not so fun now

 

Forcing my way through

Hiding what is true

Being scared of you

Don’t need to run now

 

Questioned myself

Depleted my health

Turned into someone else

But I am one now

 

My life

Has really begun now

 

 

XXII   Losing It

I’m feeling full of their energy again

Or maybe it’s mine

I can’t really tell

But i’m not feeling well

And it manifests in everything I do

 

Feeling tired for no good reason

Not really making the most of this season

I’m empty of drugs

I’m void of hugs

My words don’t even flow anymore

 

 

XXIII   China Doll

I feel neglected

Deeply rejected

Don’t know what I expected

But I didn’t think I’d be so affected

 

Just some affection

Some kind of connection

Rather than cold shoulders

Not looking in my direction

 

Do you see me standing there?

Is it really so hard to care?

Don’t you want to learn to share

this bit of love I managed to find?

 

Maybe I’m invisible

Maybe I made you miserable

Maybe you don’t give a shit at all

It’s getting hard to tell

 

I’m tired of being the one to try

I’m tired of being the one to cry

Cos all of the truth you still deny

Is making me feel unwell

 

Have the courage to show yourself

Ask me about my mental health

Hiding like a figure on a dusty shelf

How would you react if I fell?