Looking back, I think I knew something wasn’t quite right when I was around 11 or 12. The beginning of high school was particularly tough – dealing with change had always been hard for me. Over the years, my parents would occasionally mention they were concerned about me, but I’d become quite skilled at brushing off their worries. I was so convincing that mum later told me she actually thought COVID lockdown was good for me because I seemed more settled at home.

The Turning Point

In September 2023, I’d been feeling nauseous constantly. Mum made an appointment with our GP, and I assumed we’d be discussing my stomach issues. I wasn’t prepared when she told the doctor that she thought I had an eating disorder. It was the first time she’d said those words out loud.

The GP asked me various questions, and I lied through most of them. Despite this, I was still referred to CAMHS. Being on the cusp of turning 18 meant they couldn’t offer me much support, but I started having fortnightly weight checks at our local CAMHS.

Knowing this wasn’t enough, mum looked for recommendations. It was mum’s friend who mentioned First Steps ED.

I was in complete denial about having an eating disorder. After that first GP appointment where he said he thought I had anorexia, and then after CAMHS gave me the official diagnosis, I kept questioning whether they really knew me well enough to make such a judgement.

Mum became increasingly concerned about me going to university. That’s when I finally started to accept that maybe I did have anorexia. My parents were clear: I couldn’t go to university until I’d got help.

We approached First Steps ED for help around October 2023, and I was having one-to-one sessions with Holly weekly by December.

The Therapy Journey

I wasn’t nice to Holly at first – I was still in such denial. But after about two more sessions, I realised I couldn’t keep being angry with her. She showed no judgement and made me feel at ease. She wasn’t trying to fix anything; she just said, “Tell me everything and we’ll go from there.” That approach allowed me to let go a bit more.

It was still terrifying though. I’d spent seven or eight years not telling anyone anything about what was going on in my head, and suddenly I was expected to talk about everything.

My last session with Holly was in September 2024, with a follow-up in December 2024. I also did a befriending course from December, which I’ve just finished.

Where I Am Now

I did get to go to university, and I’m doing pretty well – I’m now in my second year. Mum no longer checks in daily about what I’m eating, which feels like a huge step forward. The eating disorder doesn’t consume me anymore. There’s still a niggle there sometimes, but I’ve got much better at coping with it and with other challenges life throws at me.

The Social Media Trap

I have to mention the role social media played in all this. I joined Twitter when I was 14, initially innocently following a One Direction fan account. But then without interacting with content about eating disorders, it’s all I saw on my feed. And after the slightest interaction with that content, I was consumed with eating disorder content. It’s a dangerous cycle — there are genuinely lovely, supportive people in those communities, but there’s also a lot of harmful content. It made my anorexia worse and reinforced the idea that there was no problem. I’d tell myself I couldn’t possibly have anorexia if other people I was seeing online didn’t think they had it either.

My Advice to Others

If everyone around you is telling you something is wrong, something probably is wrong – even if you don’t think there’s anything to worry about. You’ve got nothing to lose by listening to them. The people around you know you better than you might think they do.

Recovery isn’t linear, and denial is often part of the condition. But there is hope, and there are people who want to help without judgement. Sometimes the scariest step is the first one towards getting better.