Today is the day, only a stretch of beach and a mild 9 pm wind stand between me and the sea. It’s been years since I’ve even thought of going in the sea and now, in my vest and pants, I’m preparing to run in head first. 2 years ago I was sat on this same beach, blue lips and purple fingers, dithering like an old lady, this is when I told my first steps worker that my big goal in recovery was to go in the sea. I remember the only time I went in the sea whilst I was ill, barely standing against the waves and blacking out from the cold, it was horrible, the worst feeling in the world is realising something you once loved so much to do is unachievable. I have always loved the sea and felt at home in it, I was never uncomfortable with the tides or the depth, I always felt in control, I couldn’t believe how much this feeling changed as I became unwell, my illness had taken this place of security and twisted it, the sea was dangerous to me now, and that scared me.

My first steps 1 to 1 worker was also a big lover of the sea and a keen surfer so she really promoted the idea of recovering to find solace in the ocean, we talked for hours about how the sea could feel and how I needed to recover in order to keep my love for it. That goal stayed with me throughout my recovery until I didn’t even realise that I was ready to face it. It just became a day, the day I went into the sea, the day I knew that the tears and the difficulty of recovery were more than worth it because I got to go back to the place where I felt the safest and be embraced rather than repelled by the chill and the force.

Reaching goals in recovery can be terrifying, knowing that you’re well enough to do the things you couldn’t is scary, it means your recovering, which is a beautiful and uplifting prospect but also an idea filled with fear and anxiety. Recovery will change you, it’s daunting to think about the idea of change, but it’s not just physical, the mental change is incredible. The flowers begin to bloom and a metaphorical sun peaks out from behind the rainclouds, bringing courage, joy and freedom in it’s rays. Recovery is incredible, achieving things that once seemed impossible is so scary but wow is it an amazing feeling. It’s okay to be scared of recovery and feel conflicted when you achieve a goal but having the bravery and resilience to push through these feelings is what will aid your ascent to a happier body and mind.