In the past few weeks I’ve experienced snippets of all the good things life has to offer, and it reinforced the notion of how much this illness makes me miss out on and how much it sacrifices my future. I don’t want this to continue ruining my life. Recently, certain events in people’s lives have really put things into perspective for me. One friend of mine just got married and I had such a lovely time at her wedding. Another friend just got the keys to her first house. And, with my sister getting married next summer (and me being a bridesmaid!) I have so much to look forward to. This gives me the determination to work harder to beat this. Life is out there, waiting for me, offering new opportunities and friendships.
But yet it still frustrates me how I still give in and allow the eating disorder to take over again and again, slamming the door and bolting it shut with multiple padlocks and safety catches. It may not seem too bad at first and the safest thing to do, as it provides protection and offers something to hide behind. It seems a whole lot easier not having to face up to things, by remaining behind the locked door. Because what’s out there seems scary, you fear the unknown. Sometimes all you can see is treacherous waters, and swirling dark storm clouds. But then you being to realise, where you are now, inside a dark and cold room, isn’t where you want to be either. All your friends and family are on the other side of the locked door, living their lives and willing you to join them. Trapped within the locked room, means there is no happiness, joy or excitement, just misery and suffering.
With this realisation and acceptance of the illness, allows for change. You find the key hidden under the door mat and take tiny steps closer to the door. The fear and anxiety may still be there, but the closer you edge to freedom, the more determined you become to keep fighting. Each step gives me the strength to move forward and I reach the door, one by one unlocking each padlock. SNAP! With the last lock free, the door cracks open. Once ajar, I can be brave enough to peer around to see what lies on the other side. I soon realise that those treacherous waters have dissipated. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. Now, I can see all the beauty the world has to offer and I smile, my face beaming. I wonder why I was so scared and felt the need to punish myself by denying my own access to living a LIFE, a life I deserve. One last push to freedom.